USCFL Rail Trip

CHAPTER 21- TO SEATTLE AND OAKLAND

After the mishap, the USCFL tour group finally arrived at Seattle’s King Street Station, via Portland. Immediately upon arrival, the group went over to Nintendo Stadium, where there was another “meet and greet’ event, and a another performance by the USCFL Divas. The Divas had three new members, Xena, the Warrior Princess, actress and alternative rock star Shirley Manson, and a T-1001 terminator, Catherine Weaver, all from the Sci-Fi All Stars. These three women would also be joining the tour as it made its way down the West Coast.

For the first leg of the trip to its next stop, Oakland, California, the train retraced its steps to Portland. There, the UP E9’s were replaced with UP #1996, an SD70ACe decorated to commemorate the heritage of the Southern Pacific.

The train would be taking a very scenic ex-Southern Pacific line from Portland to Sacramento. This was the Shasta line, so-named because it passed very near Mount Shasta as it wound its way south.

Daphne was catching up on her messages on her smart phone as the train headed south down the Willamette Valley. Two of these messages stood out. One was from Chris MacLean. It read that he had gone to Pine Bluff, picked up Izzy, and had returned her to her home. The second message was the one that made take her notice. It was from Wade. He had finally verified Shego’s location. It turned out she was in the French Rivera after all. In fact, Shego had contacted Wade, something she never did!  Her organization, Henchco, had learned of the two attacks of sabotage against the train, as well as the attack on SpongeBob, and that she was suspected in all three incidents. When Shego learned of these accusations, she had contacted Wade and told him in no uncertain terms where she was, and that she had nothing to do with these allegations. Scratch one promising suspect, Daphne thought. We’re right back to square one.

Daphne again spoke to Wonder Woman, asking her if she’d reconsider using her Magic Lasso on the train’s staff, citing the most recent act of sabotage as justification. Again, she politely refused, citing privacy and constitutional concerns. Next, she spoke with Deanna Troi, who as a Betazoid was empathic. Deanna stated many of the concerns Wonder Woman brought up about the right to privacy. But she would do this; if she sensed any one being less than truthful about anything, she would let Daphne know about it. At least that’s a small step in the right direction, Daphne thought.

Daphne decided to try another tactic. She contacted Wade, and asked him to obtain the backgrounds of all USCFL personnel aboard the train, all records back to middle school, staff and players alike. She then contacted her best friend Velma Dinkley and made the same request of her. “The hell with privacy,” Daphne thought. “Someone has tried to kill me twice, and that gives me the right.”

When the excursion reached Davis, California, just west of Sacramento, it entered another Ex-Southern Pacific line. This was the Overland Route, west end of the original transcontinental railroad, which would take the train the remaining miles into Oakland.

END OF CHAPTER 22

CHAPTER 23-CALL IN THE CALVARY!

The USCFL contingent arrived at Jack London Square in Oakland. It was decided in advance to have the passenger disembark in Oakland, because for the train to go into all the way into San Francisco proper, it would have had to travel nearly 40 miles down the east side of San Francisco Bay (near San Jose), then travel a like distance up the west side of the bay to reach the city. Thus, the stop was scheduled in Oakland, the group taking ferries to reach the city of San Francisco.

Daphne wanted nothing to do with the “City by the Bay”. Each time she visited here, something always seemed to happen to her. First time, she came here; Chinese thugs kidnapped her. Another time, she was suspected of being a vampire. And on her last visit, she nearly became dinner for a hungry shark. So instead, she had a hometown girl she knew who lived near the Stanford University campus pick her up at Jack London Square. Daphne would be staying with her while the rest of the group enjoyed the sights in San Francisco. She would also be picking up the swimsuits she ordered for the beach football game, and would be rejoining the tour when it came through San Jose.

Meanwhile, the players enjoyed all the sights the City had to offer. They had a fabulous seafood dinner at Fisherman’s Wharf. They rode the cable cars. They visited the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood, epicenter of the hippie movement of the late 1960’s. The group stayed the night in San Francisco, before re-crossing the bay, and reboarding at Oakland. Joining them out of Oakland were the final new passengers; all characters from the Peanuts franchise. They were the ol’ blockhead himself Charlie Brown, Lucy Van Pelt, and her brother Linus. Daphne boarded when the special reached San Jose, carrying a fairly large box with the new swimsuits inside.

For the final leg of this journey, this train would use the former Southern Pacific’s Coast Line, so named because the tracks paralleled, and in places actually hugged the Pacific Coast. Its most famous passenger train was the Coast Daylight, called by some as the most beautiful train in the world. 

The train was near Santa Barbara, at a place where the train rode a narrow ledge on a cliff above the Pacific beach below when Daphne got the first big break in the case. Wade and Velma contacted Daphne at just about the same time. Theresa Paula Quick had stated that she attended a small Florida college, and was a cheerleader for its football team. This college, while having a basketball squad, did not have a football team. A further check of that school’s databases revealed that no one in the recent past had been registered there as a student, or been on the faculty and staff with that name.

Daphne was stunned. That was the last person I’d suspect, she thought. She then thought of a simple test she’d use to prove that Paula was lying. Daphne then called Velma on her smart phone and asked what this school’s colors were. Maroon and gold, Velma answered. Time to confront “Paula” or whatever the hell her name was with this evidence.

Daphne went to the Etheria Club. Once there, she asked Zara to summon Paula to the car. She also asked Deanna Troi to be there too. Moments later, both women appeared.

“Paula, tell me about your experiences being a college cheerleader,” Daphne began. “I was one in high school, but I wonder if being on the cheer squad in college is any different.”

“Not really,” Paula answered. Daphne looked over at Deanna. They had worked out a hand signal system to tell if Paula was lying. Deanna indicated by her hand gestures that Paula lied about being a college cheerleader.

Daphne set herself up for the haymaker. “Paula, what were your school colors?” she asked.

“Royal blue and silver,” Paula replied. Daphne glanced at Deanna’s hand and from the looks of the gestures, Paula’s just told a blatant lie.

“Paula, or whatever the hell your name really is,” Daphne said, “Their colors are maroon and gold. We know you weren’t a cheerleader for the football team, because that school doesn’t even have a football team. And we know you didn’t attend that school because a check of the records showed no one with your ‘alleged’ name ever registered there as a student, at least not in the recent past.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Paula said, surprised by this allegation.

“But I do,” Daphne responded. “So who are you, really?”

“If you want to know who I really am,” Paula said, throwing off her blonde wig, revealing her long, dark hair. “I’ll tell you. I am The Prom Queen, and now you must die!”

Daphne gasped. But before she or anyone else could do anything, the Prom Queen tackled Daphne, pinning her to the floor. Prom Queen, kneeling over Daphne, grabbed a beer bottle off a booth table, broke the neck off it and was going to use it to slit Daphne’s throat.

At that moment, Bonnie Rockwaller walked in on the scene. Horrified at the sight, she did something either incredibly heroic, or incredibly foolhardy. She tapped the Prom Queen on the shoulder, and when Prom Queen turned around, Bonnie let her have it right in the mouth! The blow knocked the Prom Queen right under a table, and rendered her unconscious.

“Thanks, Bonnie,” Daphne said to the former Middleton High cheerleader. “I owe you one.”

“Think nothing of it,” Bonnie answered, smiling wryly. “Hey what was I supposed to do, stand there and let her slit your throat?”

At that instant, the Prom Queen regained consciousness. With an evil look in her eye, and such hatred in her voice, she told Bonnie: “I’ll deal with you later, slut!” Then to Daphne: “As for you, Blake, now you’re going to die!”

“Yiiii!” Bonnie screeched. She took off running out of the car towards the front of the train. Daphne followed. The Prom Queen took off after both of them.

In the next car forward, the Joseph Barbera, Daphne saw Bonnie dive into a roomette. I could dive into one of these rooms, too, Daphne thought, but she’d have the door off its hinges in two seconds, and I’d be a sitting duck. She looked back, and saw that the Prom Queen paused in front of the roomette Bonnie dove into. Great, Daphne thought. She’s going after her first.

At that moment, Penney and Tiffany along with Zara knew their time for action finally came. Penney could sense the trouble in a car up ahead and said, “Tiffany our time has come, The Prom Queen is aboard this train and almost harmed Daphne along with another girl.” Tiffany replied with excitement, “It’s about time I see some action, I feel like I am attached to this seat. I’m ready to kick some Prom Queen butt.” Zara added, “If The Prom Queen is here, count me in too.” Penney said, “We’ll need all the help we can get. Even if it means Daphne reveals her secret to the rest of the passengers, but I think I can do something about that without revealing Daphne’s secret. Come on now ladies, “Let’s do it to it!” Daphne managed to escape to the back of the car with The Prom Queen on her heels. Bonnie snuck out of the roomette she had taken cover in and ran towards the front of the train. The Prom Queen ignored Bonnie; it was Daphne she was really after.

Moments later, on her hands and knees she saw The Style Chicks in the next car and went over to them. Penney said, “Daphne stand up and be prepared because you are going into action too.” Daphne replied, “Right I am ready to give the Prom Queen a piece of my mind and fist.” At that moment, Penney turned herself and the others into their true identities The Style Chicks. A moment later, The Prom Queen came into the car ready to do battle when she saw her archenemies standing before her.

The Prom Queen said, “Well, well look who’s here, Fashion Floozy and The Style Sluts. I figured you’d be here.” Tiffany said, “We’ve been here the whole time right under your nose. And now I am about to tear yours right off your smug face.” Tiffany pulled out her staff, Zara and Fashion Girl each pulled out their weapons as well. The Prom Queen said, “Four against one, huh? I too came prepared, oh girls.” At that moment, six evil henchwomen who The Prom Queen calls “The Rainbow Assassins” for their colorful outfits stood behind their leader. Penney asked, “Now what do we do Boss? We’re outnumbered now.” Fashion Girl said, “The same thing we do every time we are confronted with this evil witch, FIGHT!”

The Rainbow Assassins began first with a volley of attacks, but The Style Chicks held their own. Tiffany especially since she was the ninja master of the group. Zara’s swordsmanship also kept pace at first but since she had no superpowers, she was easily defeated. Penney’s magic kept her in the fight as well, but she too was outmatched and was defeated. The Prom Queen didn’t suffer any defeats at that moment until Fashion Girl knocked out three assassins with one blow. Zara recovered from her initial defeat and rejoined the fight and used her quick wits to outsmart her opponents. She sliced two of the assassins in half or more specifically sliced their clothing to shreds causing serious embarrassment.

Tiffany kept up the fight defeating one assassin with a combination of ninja skills and superhuman strength. Finally it was up to Fashion Girl and The Prom Queen. But Fashion Girl laid her weapon down and said, “Prom Queen, there are innocent people aboard this train especially children. I don’t want them hurt. If there is any decency in you, lay your weapon down too.” The Prom Queen answered, “Maybe you don’t want innocent people hurt but I do beginning with you. You’ve been a royal pain in my side since the day we met. If you won’t fight me head on, I’ll take you down instead.” Just then Penney used her magic to turn The Prom Queen into a harmless mouse and put her in a small cage that just happened to be nearby. The Prom Queen had been defeated with no one else getting hurt. Penney turned The Rainbow Assassins into mice as well and had them join their leader to turn over to the police once they arrived in Los Angeles. Fashion Girl went to Daphne’s private quarters in the observation car to turn back into Daphne and returned to the cars up ahead. She assured everyone that everything was all right that The Style Chicks saved the day by capturing the Prom Queen.

Once the train arrived safely in Los Angeles, Tiffany and Penney turned The Prom Queen over to the police. The police chief asked, “You expect me to believe that these mice caused all the trouble aboard a train?” Penney answered, “No you’re right, but watch.” Just then Penney let the mice out of the cage and restored them to their true form. The chief then said, “Well, well if it isn’t the Prom Queen and The Rainbow Assassins. We’ve been looking for them for weeks.” Penney said, “Precisely chief. She assumed the role of a USCFL officer and left on the train from Miami, little did she know that Tiffany and I would also be on the train in disguise.”

Tiffany added, “The Prom Queen nearly tried to kill us on three separate occasions by trying to derail the train at high speeds. She also made otherwise innocent people look guilty by doing some very bad things including trying to suffocate SpongeBob SquarePants by taking away his water helmet and putting the blame on Bart Simpson for example. But Fashion Girl appeared in the nick of time to stop her. We had no idea The Rainbow Assassins were aboard the train as well. But we defeated them too.” (Author’s note: Tiffany was assuming the air hose separation in Ohio was another act of sabotage, when it was actually a simple mechanical malfunction.)

There was one mystery, though. Where did The Rainbow Assassins come from? Surely they didn't ride the train cross-country without at least someone noticing them. It turned out that they had secretly boarded at  San Juan Obispo (midway between the Bay Area and Los Angeles) during a train crew change. There, they found a place to hide in the generator compartment in the crew-dormitory car until The Prom Queen gave the signal to attack. It was The Prom Queen, then in her guise as Theresa Paula Quick that had let them on board.

The police handcuffed The Prom Queen and The Rainbow Assassins and put them in squad cars to be sent back to prison. The Prom Queen shouted from an open window, “You Style Sluts will pay dearly for this! You haven’t heard the last of me!” Tiffany shouted back in her own unique way, “Do you take IOUs? And your brother blows bubble gum!” Penney said, “Uh, Tiffany The Prom Queen doesn’t have a brother.” Tiffany replied, “I know but for some reason after being on a cross-country train with cartoon characters and all we’ve been through, it just seemed appropriate to say. Bugs Bunny must have gotten to me.”

Those who had been on the train were invited to Disneyland for a special parade down the main street of the park with Tiffany and Penney leading the way. Tiffany sat in the grand marshal’s car while Penney flew just overhead to the delight of onlookers. Daphne it seemed to have worn many hats or should I say many outfits during this trip but she made her appearance in the parade known to all dressed as herself for a change. However she did appear once more as Crush along with the USCFL Divas to sing Disney themed songs. Tiffany, Penney and Zara also got into the act too. Penney put on a special magic show doing all of her special magic tricks. She also performed the famous sawing a lady in half trick. Tiffany is the lady she saws in half, as Tiffany would tell you, she had been sawed in half so many times by Penney she’s only half the woman she once was. And Zara dazzled the crowd with amazing sword tricks.

The next day, several USCFL members played a special version of football known as “sandball” or beach football. The two teams called themselves “The Divas” (female characters) and “The Studs” (male characters). Sandball is only played with six players on each team. There are no kickoffs, punts or field goals since the players are barefoot in the sand. Running on sand is hard to do so the playing surface has to be wetted down at first. It’s easier to run on wet sand as it is on dry sand. The field is about half the size of a normal football field with midfield being on the thirty-yard line. The width of the field is the same however. Play always begins on a team’s ten-yard line but on fourth down, they must go for the first down. Again there is no punting or field goals. If a team scores a touchdown it’s still worth six points but they must run another play to score an extra point if doing a running play and two points for a passing play. Otherwise normal rules apply.

Six female players lined up on one side wearing one-piece swimsuits while six male characters wore t-shirts and swim trunks.

It was a tight game from start to finish. The Divas scored first on a pass from Daphne to Minnie Mouse. The extra point failed, so the Divas team led 6-0. The Studs team failed to get a first down, so the ball went back to the Divas side. But Daphne threw an interception to Charlie Brown, who returned the pick for a touchdown. They then converted the extra point attempt (a run by Bart Simpson) for a 7-6 lead. The lead stayed right there, until nearly the very end. That’s when Daphne threw a desperation pass while under pressure. Bonnie Rockwaller caught the pass and ran it in for the score. Again, the Divas failed to convert the extra point, but it was enough for the Divas to pull out a victory, 12-7 over the Studs.

END OF CHAPTER 23

CHAPTER 24-THE GRAND FINALE

It was the final night of their time together. The contingent gathered at Disneyland Stadium for the culmination of the 30th anniversary celebration. Besides those who made the cross-country rail tour, the entire 2011 Walt Disney West All-Stars (except for Monique) were on hand. Jiminy Cricket, formerly the head coach at Disney-East was introduced as the new Disney-West coach. Jiminy introduced the newest members of the 2011 squad: Princess Tiana of “The Princess and the Frog” at punter, Dr. Heinz Doofenshrmirtz from Phineas & Ferb at defensive end, and Candace Flynn at wide receiver, also from Phineas & Ferb. Then Jiminy gave a little speech, saying that while he would rather had sat back and enjoyed his retirement, he accepted the head coaching position because, “When the USCFL comes a calling, you come a running.” Then he had a few words to say about his predecessor.

“Steven Jay Barkin is a good man,” Jiminy began. “He is honorable, he is knowledgeable, and he is sincere. His knowledge of the game, and his style of playing it are second to none, as last season has clearly demonstrated.  Now, you may have disagreed with his methods of teaching it, and I admit, he could have exercised a little better judgment on occasion, but that does not diminish the fact that he is a great football mind.  Look at it this way; Bobby Knight will always be thought of for his throwing a chair during a basketball game. Woody Hayes will always be thought of for his punching a Clemson player in the 1978 Gator Bowl. People will always look at these incidents, and think of them as bullies and thugs, rather than appreciate the innovations they brought to their respective sports. And that’s unfortunate. I don’t want people to think of Steve Barkin as someone who screamed and cussed at his players when he saw something he didn’t like, or dismissed players just because he felt like it. There was a method to what he was doing. Again, he could have been a little more discrete in some of his methods, but none of that dismisses the fact that he was, and still is, a great football coach. That said, I think it would be criminal to let a man of such coaching talent go, just because he made a mistake. With that in mind, I am pleased to announce that Steven Jay Barkin will be our number one assistant coach and offensive coordinator for the 2011 season.” 

Then came the grand finale. The USCFL Divas put an elaborate song and dance routine. Jerrica Benton led them in her “Jem” persona, Minnie Mouse made up as Lady GaGa, and Daphne Blake, dolled up as “Crush” from her time with the Hex Girls. Gil Lopez was on hand and provided a couple of cha-cha-chas to add a Latin flavor to the festivities. By the time the Divas set was over, people were actually dancing in the aisles.

Then it came time to say goodbye. The characters hugged each other, shook hands, and bid each other goodbye as they scattered to the four winds and headed for home. One thing everybody agreed on; despite the mishaps, they wouldn’t have missed this opportunity to see America, its lands, and its people close up and personal.

END OF CHAPTER 24

EPILOGUE

The travelers on this journey learned a lot during this cross-country rail tour of America. They got to see a view of our great land one doesn’t get when viewed from a height of six miles or whizzing by at seventy mph on the Interstate. They have traveled through some spectacular scenery, and visited the heart of great cities all across our land. They visited natural and man-made landmarks that hold historical and cultural importance in the history of our country. They traveled over rail lines that hadn’t seen a regularly scheduled passenger train since the Nixon Administration or even before that. Most importantly, they came together as a group. They laughed, cried, played, worked, ate, sang, and danced together. The participants on this trip developed a fellowship for their fellow traveler, which they wouldn’t have done otherwise. It’s not just about twenty fantasy football teams going their separate ways. The United States Cartoon Football League isn’t just about playing football. It’s about entertaining and educating people, and this trip was an extension of this mission.

People think that the railways are a thing of the past. They think of them as nothing but a means of hauling coal from mine to power plant, or containers full of imported consumer goods from seaport to inland distribution centers. However as concerns mount about climate change, along with ever-increasing congestion in the air and the highways, not to mention the hoops one has to jump through just to board a commercial airliner, people are looking to rail as a green transportation alternative. Many states and regions are building high-speed rail, or are planning such systems. Rail already delivers hundreds of thousands of Americans to and from work every day, and that number is expected to increase in future years. Freight traffic on the nation’s rail network is expected to increase 30% or more over the next twenty years. And people are discovering the mystique and romance of a mode of transportation that was the preferred method of intercity travel up to about two generations ago. Amtrak boardings are at near record levels, especially in short and medium distance corridors.

The players not only learned about each other, they learned about themselves while traveling on this tour. They experienced personal growth, while learning about America at the same time.

Daphne Blake learned compassion for her fellow traveler. When she learned of Izzy’s idiosyncrasies and transgressions, she initially wanted to tear Izzy limb from limb. But Daphne learned that it isn’t Izzy’s fault that she’s the way she is, so Daphne saw to it that Izzy was taken care of and safely returned home. Daphne also showed her leadership capabilities by taking charge when the situation called for it, all the while without being pushy or bossy. She also learned to put past misdeeds behind her, learn from her mistakes, and move on from there.

She-Ra learned that despite her initial nervousness, she could sing on stage in a foreign language. She was also an integral part of the USCFL Divas, and is considering a possible career as a pop star. She also proved valuable during the Virginia runaway crisis, as she provided aid and comfort to the injured engineer.

Ariel, the Little Mermaid discovered that she could swim in some kinds of water without her legs morphing into a fin. Still, she prefers the sea to fresh water.

Mickey and Minnie Mouse became closer to each other during this journey. They really enjoyed pointing out the sights to each other.

Heather, as depicted on the Total Drama series, is a pushy, whiny, arrogant little brat, who would stop at nothing to get her way. But when she became concerned about her fellow traveler, Lindsay, she learned that cooperation, rather than just whining about the situation could accomplish more.

Bart Simpson discovered that when you push people around, sooner or later, they are bound to push back. Whether or not he learns from the experience remains to be seen. Still, he showed one redeeming quality when he tried to return SpongeBob’s helmet to its rightful owner.

Kim Possible found redemption on this tour. She didn’t even want to go on this journey to begin with, and only reluctantly agreed to do so. She rose to the occasion when everyone’s lives were in her hands. She will become a captain for Disney-East in 2011, and with that, greater responsibilities. She learned that her role is to help her team win games and not so much on being obsessed with milestones based on arbitrary numbers.

Penney Dillard learned that simple measures should be employed first to resolve problems before more drastic methods are tried. Still, sometimes more drastic action are necessary, first when the generator failed in Missouri, and again during the second act of sabotage that was committed against the train in Oregon.

Bonnie Rockwaller’s punching the Prom Queen in the mouth turned out to be the proper course of action. Had she not done that, Daphne’s throat would have been slit before anyone else could have come to her aid. Bonnie reunited with her lover, Senor Senior, Junior when the tour concluded its journey in Los Angeles.

As for the Prom Queen, a.k.a. Theresa Paula Quick, she is in Federal prison, being held without bond, awaiting prosecution and trial on numerous Federal and state charges.

For all characters that took the trip commissioned by the League and the people and places they had contact with along the way, all agreed that 2010 was indeed one year no one would soon forget. It was that memorable for everyone involved.