CAUTION! CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE (MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR PRE-TEENS)
Just as much as the cartoon characters
that are
aboard our excursion, the cars themselves should be considered
characters.
These cars based on cars built for the Union Pacific Railroad (except
where
noted) for their fleet of "City of" trains in the early 1950's, and
have been extensively rebuilt and reconditioned to comply with modern
standards. They are certified for ninety mph operation. However, since
freight
locomotives are hauling the train most of the time, the train will be
traveling
no faster than sixty mph, except on the Northeast Corridor, and on the
Detroit-Chicago route. The USCFL Tour Train consists of the following
cars:
The Virginian & Ohio RR depicted here
is a
"fictional" railroad as well as the city of Afton, Virginia and the
surrounding area. However, the "V&O" was a famous model railroad
built by W. Allen McClelland in several versions since 1957, and was
featured
in the model railroading press like Model Railroader and Railroad
Model Craftsman magazines. McClelland dismantled his final version
of this
model railroad three years ago, but it lives on through rail simulator
games,
like the one I have. In Afton, there is a university football stadium
called
"Allen McClelland Stadium" on the campus of "Northwest Virginia
University" where our characters play a one-quarter pickup game while
there. Also in Afton, our heroes stay in a high-rise apartment building
called
the "Varsity Towers" near campus. At Elm Grove, Virginia is the
Kelly's Creek & Bradley Railroad. The KC&B shortline was also
part of
McClelland's V&O model railroad. This is where the participants of
the tour
switch trains, and boards a steam-powered train for a short ride to a
picnic
and swimming area nearby.
Historian’s note: This story takes
place in early to mid September 2010.
Another long season of the
United States Cartoon Football League had just concluded with the
playing of
the All-Star Game where Mickey Mouse led his Atlantic Conference
All-Stars to
an easy victory over the Pacific Conference, quarterbacked by Kermit
the Frog.
Despite the regular season being shortened to 14 games, there was no
shortage
of excitement and thrills this year as three of four first year teams
made the
playoffs. Some teams who were heavily favorites like Disney-East and
Star Trek
were eliminated during the divisional playoffs. Indeed, for a time, it
appeared
that two first year teams would play for the championship. However, in
the end,
it was the veteran Transformers team, who held off the upstart Comic
Strip
All-Stars to claim Go for the Gold XLVII. And as the season was winding
down,
there were plenty of off-the-field fireworks as two players and a coach
received League reprimands for inappropriate remarks they made to
the press. The following week, one of these players walked out onto a
playing
field and was subjected to a barrage of boos and jeers, prompting a
League
investigation. Next, a wildcat strike by maintenance and groundskeepers
at Jim
Henson Stadium in Denver, site of Go for the Gold XLVII, caused the
only work
stoppage in League history when the players refused to cross the picket
lines.
This walkout delayed the playing of the championship game by two weeks.
Then to
top it all off, a muffed punt by the Disney-West punter in the Pacific
Conference Championship game led to not only the removal of the punter,
but
ultimately their head coach as well.
It was against this backdrop
that Daphne Blake pondered. She was at Walt Disney World, attending the
annual
Labor Day All-Star game, which the Atlantic Conference won handily,
behind the
quarterbacking skills of Mickey Mouse. Her own team, The Hanna-Barbera
All-Stars failed to make the playoffs, despite ending the regular
season with a
9-5 record, tied with the Masters of Power for second place in the
Southern
Division of the Atlantic Conference. However, the Masters got the
playoff nod
because they scored forty-five more points for themselves than
Hanna-Barbera
did. Daphne was happy that her friend, She-Ra went into post-season,
but the fact
that Daphne’s team had lost the last four games they played left
her
bewildered. What happened? What went wrong, especially when her team
had a
playoff berth in the bag?
Daphne wanted nothing more
than to return to her home in Atlanta, unwind, and put the long season
behind
her. She was preparing to do just that when her cell phone rang. The
caller was
none other than Lisa Carlson, her friend and former coach from her
Five’s A Mob
Legends days, and who was now the USCFL Commissioner.
“Daphne, what you doing
right now?” the voice on the phone asked.
“I’m getting ready to go
home to Atlanta, to relax and unwind,” Daph replied.
“Well, put those plans on
hold,” Lisa told her friend. “I need you to report to
Hialeah Yard here in
Miami first thing in the morning. As you know, this is our thirtieth
anniversary year, and to mark this occasion, Theresa Paula Quick from
our
Advertising and Marketing Communications Department and myself have put
together a goodwill tour, much like we did for our silver anniversary
five
years ago. Only this time, you all will be going by rail.”
“But, but…” Daphne
protested.
“No buts, Blake,” Lisa said.
“I fully expect you to be here in Miami first thing in the
morning. That’s an
order.” Lisa paused for a moment, then continued: “Besides,
your best friend,
She-Ra will be joining you out of Miami. And I’ve designated you
as one of the
train’s hostesses. You’ll have a blast on this trip; I
guarantee it.”
“Now, that you put it that
way, I’ll do it,” Daphne responded.
“That’s the spirit,
Daph,”
Lisa replied. Be here in Miami first thing in the morning, and have a
pleasant
journey.”
“Bye,” Daphne sighed as she
terminated the call. “I guess there’s no rest for the
weary.”
The next morning, Daphne
found herself at the Hialeah Rail Yards just like she promised. They
had
originally wanted to load this train at the Miami Amtrak Station, but
because
of all the commuter trains that also used that depot, they
couldn’t reserve
track space there, so they had to load this train here at Hialeah Yard.
It was a beautiful train.
Leading the pack was a powerful Florida East Coast Railway SD70M-2, one
of the
newest locomotives in their fleet. Behind the engine was
twelve-streamlined
passenger cars built
for the Union Pacific Railroad’s
“City of” trains during
the classic days of passenger railroading in the 1950’s. The cars
were
decorated in a scheme that featured an orange roof, and a purple car
body with
a lilac band around the windows. A narrow green stripe separated the
orange
roof from the purple car body, while another green stripe adorned the
bottom
the car. In other words, the paint scheme emanated the colors found on
Daphne’s
usual costume. A real surprise was found at the rear of this consist,
the last
car was a dome-sleeper observation car, USCX 1970, which was emblazoned
with
the name, “DAPHNE ANN BLAKE”. “Who thoughtful of
them,” Daphne thought to
herself with delight. “They named a car after me!” This car
would provide
private sleeping quarters for both Daphne and She-Ra, and also featured
a
cocktail bar, seats in the dome for panoramic viewing of the passing
countryside, and an observation lounge. Daphne was marveling at this
sight when
her best friend, She-Ra appeared.
“Hi, kiddo, how you doing,”
She-Ra called out to her friend.
“Great, She-Ra,” Daphne
greeted her friend. “Ever been on a train before?”
“Can’t say that I have,”
She-Ra said. “There aren’t too many railroads, let alone
trains on Etheria, and
since I moved here to Earth, I have little need for them since I have
Swift
Wind to get me around. You?”
“I’ve ridden a few,”
Daphne
responded. “But I prefer to fly. I’m not much of a train
person, but I guess
I’ll have to learn to like riding a train, because we’re
all going to spend a
lot of time on this one for the next few days.”
“Indeed!” She-Ra laughed.
About this time, Jerrica
Benton and her sister Kimber of Starlight Music appeared, along with
April
O’Neil of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fame. Jerrica while on
board the train
would be in her normal guise, but would assume her “Jem”
alter ego during
public appearances. Daphne, as one of the hostesses, showed the newest
arrivals
to their designated sleeping compartments. Then two members of the
Style
Chicks, Tiffany and Penney Dillard arrived. Tiffany was a warrior with
the group,
while Penney Dillard special abilities included magic and sorcery. Both
would
be traveling incognito on this journey, and were recruited to provide
security
for the tour’s participants, both on-board, and at public
appearances. Daphne
then escorted both women to their compartments. It was about that time
that the
head hostess of the tour, Theresa Paula Quick, showed up.
Theresa Paula Quick, who
preferred to be called “Paula,” was employed in the
League’s Advertising and
Marketing Communications department, the unit responsible for all the
advertising and promotional material distributed by the League. She was
bright,
young, and attractive, and a hard worker, hardly ever missing a day of
work.
Her resume was just as impressive. She attended a small Florida
college,
earning a degree in marketing. While there, she also served as a
cheerleader
for the football team. She was tall, and blonde, wearing her hair drawn
back
into a bun, from which emanated a short ponytail, the hairstyle that a
lot of
young girls wear today. She wore the prescribed uniform for hostesses
on this
journey, a white short sleeve blouse, a purple vest, a purple
miniskirt, and
purple pumps.
Now Paula was conferring
with Daphne, suggesting that since she was also a hostess, she needed
to change
into her uniform as soon as possible, which she agreed to do once the
train was
under way. Not long after, the conductor hollered, “All
Aboard,” and the tour
train departed Hialeah Yard. It headed due east on the Miami Belt
Railroad to a
point near Dixie Highway on the northeast side of the city. There, it
swung
north onto the main line of the Florida East Coast and proceeded to
highball
out of town. Next stop, Daytona Beach, where several Disney characters
would be
waiting to board.
The train made quick time up
the FEC. Except for a stop to change engine crews at New Smyrna Beach,
the
USCFL special made the trip from Miami to Daytona Beach in less than
five hours.
There, Mickey and Minnie Mouse, Ariel, the Little Mermaid, and Gadget,
star of
“Chip and Dale Rescue Rangers” boarded. Daphne wasted no
time greeting these
newest arrivals.
“I guess it shows I still
have it in me,” Mickey told Daphne, still jubilant over his
team’s victory over
the Pacific Conference. “And I showed Kermit a thing or two.
It’s sweet revenge
for what he did to us in last’s year’s Go for the Gold
game.”
“I watched that game, you
were superb,” Daphne said.
“Thank you, Daph,” Mickey
replied. “I wish I could have been just as superb in that game
against the
Comic Strip All-Stars. Blondie just wouldn’t give up. They
deserved to win that
game, and we didn’t. Still, we had a fine season, and we are
already looking
forward to next year.”
“I wish I had as great a
season as you guys did,” Daphne said sadly. “As you know,
we lost our last four
games of the season. I don’t know what went wrong.”
“Don’t feel bad, Daph,”
Mickey said. “You had a great season as well. You’ll bounce
back. You always
do.”
Right then, Minnie walked in
on the scene. “Why hello Daphne,” she greeted.
“Hi Minnie, Daphne replied.
“It’s great seeing you again. And I’ve heard about
your dressing up as Lady
GaGa. It’s the talk of the whole League, it’s so
viral.”
“Indeed! Well, zippity-do-da!”
Minnie exclaimed with glee. “I knew everyone would get a kick out
of it.” She
paused, and then added, “It’s too bad Kim and Ron
aren’t here with us. We
offered them invitations, but I guess they were too busy to join
us.” Of course
Minnie meant Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable. Both had been offered
invitations,
but both declined, stating that they had to be back at their respective
college
campuses. Kim had also committed to a “special project” in
Afton, Virginia in
about a week’s time. She did agree to ride the train for a short
distance once
it reached Colorado, from Pueblo on into Denver.
Shortly, the special train
reached Jacksonville, Florida’s largest city. Here,
responsibility for handling
the train would be handed off to the Norfolk Southern. And the NS rose
to the
occasion, assigning a trio of classic rebuilt “F-units”
painted to look like
units of the former Southern Railway. These “F’s”,
former freight units, are
normally used to power executive and inspection trains, as well as
special
movements like this one. NS wasted no time getting this train out of
Jacksonville, as it took the former Central of Georgia in the general
direction
of Macon, and eventually Atlanta, the next stop.
The train arrived at Atlanta
in the wee hours of the morning. Once the morning light came, the
contingent
toured CNN Center, which also housed the main offices of the Cartoon
Network.
While at CNN Center, Daphne learned that her Hanna-Barbera All-Stars
were to
play a special exhibition on Saturday, October 1st, to mark the golden
anniversary of the Flintstones; Pebbles Flintstone was to be the
starting
quarterback. Their opponents were to be the Warner Bros. All-Stars.
Later, the
group took in an Atlanta Braves game at Turner Field, the USCFL stars
being
introduced to the crowd at the seventh inning stretch.
Once back at the train, they
found two of HB’s best know divas waiting for them, Pebbles
Flintstone, and
Penelope Pitstop. As always, Daphne went to welcome them aboard. While
the tour
remained on
the rails of Norfolk Southern, it would now
take the tracks of the
former Southern Railway’s Washington-Atlanta-New Orleans
mainline. This route
once hosted the South’s most famous and luxurious train, the
Southern Crescent.
“Yabba-dabba-doosie!”
Pebbles exclaimed as she learned of the special exhibition she would
play in
about four week’s time. “I can’t wait! I’ll
show that Bugs Bunny a thing or
two!”
“I wouldn’t get too
overconfident or cocky, Pebbles,” Daphne reminded the
pre-historic teen.
“Remember, Bugs is, as he likes to call himself, a
‘wascally wabbit.’ He can
find a way to beat you.”
“Yeah, sure,” Pebbles said.
“Bring it on, Bugs. I’m ready for you!” Famous last
words, Daphne thought. I
just hope you’re right, Pebbles. Daph then turned to Penelope and
asked her,
“You ride many trains, Penelope?”
“A few,” Penelope answered.
“But usually my interaction with railroads is my being tied to
the tracks!” and
they both laughed.
The USCFL special was about
twenty miles southwest of Greenville, South Carolina, when the lights
on the
train failed. The train headed into the next available passing siding,
and
halted, while members of the crew tried to diagnose the problem. The
problem
was quickly identified, a power transmission connecting the diesel
motor to the
generator, which provides lights and climate control to the passenger
cars had
malfunctioned. This equipment was located at the front of the crew
dormitory
car, in a space that once housed a baggage compartment. Without power,
there
was no air conditioning, and without AC, the cars would become stifling
hot in
no time at all, especially since these cars had sealed windows. Not
only that,
there was no power for the refrigerators in the dining and lounge cars.
Any
food contained within would quickly spoil. Gadget volunteered to see
what she
could do to resolve the problem; Penney Dillard also offered her
services. She
would use her magic and sorcery powers to become a replacement
transmission.
Daphne told Penney to back off though, let Gadget try to fix the
problem first.
Penney reluctantly agreed to Daphne’s request.
Gadget asked for a set of
socket and monkey wrenches, a hammer, and a rubber mallet. For about a
half-hour, alternating pounding and ratcheting sounds emanated from the
crew
dormitory car. Finally the power was restored, everyone cheered Gadget
for a
job well done, and the train resumed its journey. “Shucks, it was
nothing,” she
said bashfully.
A bit later, Daphne found
Penney sitting at a booth in the Etheria Club, a club-lounge car named
after
She-Ra’s home world. This car provided light meal service, along
with snacks
and beverages. There was table booth seating along with reclining
lounge seats
throughout the car. Several mural paintings of Etheria (before the Evil
Horde
laid waste to it) adorned the walls.
“Ah, you never let me have
any fun!” Penney called out to Daphne. It was apparent that
Penney had a chip
on her shoulder, judging from the frustration in her voice. “I
never let you have
any fun?” Daphne answered, sliding into a seat opposite Penney.
“How so?”
“It took that Gadget a
half-hour to get the power restored back there,” Penney said.
“I could have had
us up and running in seconds. Besides, what good am I being here if all
I do is
sit around with nothing to do?”
“You’re not sitting around
with nothing to do,” Daphne responded. “Providing security
on this journey is a
very big responsibility, and we wouldn’t have asked you along if
we knew you
couldn’t do it. Look I am aware of your powers and that of
Tiffany as well
after all I was chosen as the model for your boss, but somewhere down
the line
your services will be more than required I promise you that.”
“I know that, but that still
doesn’t answer my question,” Penney said. “Why did
you let Gadget fix that
transmission using ‘old-fashioned’ means when you knew
perfectly well I could
have done the job in seconds using my magic?”
Daphne sighed. “Penney,” she
began, “I do realize that your magic powers come in very handy at
times. And
there are times that they’re the only way to fix a problem. But
they should
always be used only as a last resort. Conventional means should always
be tried
first. If I let you use your powers back there, that’d be like
trying to open a
stubborn lid on a jar of pickles with dynamite. If Gadget
couldn’t have fixed
the problem, then I would have called on you. Do you know where I am
coming
from, Penney?”
Penney reluctantly accepted
Daphne’s explanation. “I see your point,” she said.
“Good,” Daphne replied.
“And
please don’t let this worry you.”
“I won’t,” Penney
answered.
Night once again overtook
the train as it sped northeastward through the Carolina piney woods. Up
ahead
was Charlotte, North Carolina, where some of the Fox All-Stars awaited
their
chance to board, their “Ticket to Ride” in hand.
The train arrived at
Charlotte, North Carolina at morning’s first light. Upon arrival
in the city,
the group disembarked and toured the headquarters of America’s
premier motor
sports organization, the National Association for Stock Car Auto
Racing,
commonly known as NASCAR. They also toured the Charlotte Motor
Speedway, home
to the Coca-Cola 600 race. Some even sampled the NASCAR Racing
Experience,
where ordinary people are given the chance to drive a real NASCAR stock
car.
Penelope Pitstop got a real kick out of that, and even though she
usually drove
a Grand Prix style car during the Wacky Races, she had become quite a
fan of
NASCAR. Then they got to see the homes of some of the NASCAR drivers,
since
many of them live in the Charlotte area. Then it was back to the tour
train
where they found Hank Hill, Luanne Platter, and Amy Wong waiting for
them.
Daphne took an immediate
liking to Amy. She was, as Daphne described it, Velma as a party
animal. Amy
even sounded a bit like Velma! Amy was extremely intelligent, but
without being
nerdy. She could talk about complicated scientific theories, then go
into a
discussion of the latest hip fashions, happening music, the latest
dances,
parties, and the latest celebrity gossip, all without skipping a beat.
Daphne
liked Amy’s outfit, a bare midriff sweat suit, and the first one
she had ever
seen.
Hank Hill, while missing his
home in Arlen, Texas, had become quite accustomed to Charlotte. He
became a big
fan of the Carolina Panthers, and the Duke Blue Devils, and often
attended the
stock car races at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. Hank spent much of the
time
aboard in the Etheria Club, eating nachos and drinking beer, all the
while
talking about the wonders of propane to anyone who would listen.
The train continued north on
the ex-Southern main, stopping only occasionally to “take
siding” for opposing
trains, nearly all of them freights. They paused briefly in Raleigh to
change
engine crews, and then resumed their journey north. Soon, the excursion
train
entered Virginia, and before long, reached Lynchburg, the home of the
late
Jerry Falwell, and his Liberty University. There, the train left the
Southern
mainline and diverged onto a secondary NS route that more or less
followed the
James River all the way into Richmond. Because this was a secondary
route, and
due to the numerous curves on this line, the train was restricted to
25-30 mph
the whole way to Richmond.
The Masters of Power had
announced they were going to build a new venue to replace their current
one,
The Crystal Coliseum. The stadium served She-Ra then The Masters of
Power well
since 1987 but it was time for a newer more modern facility. To help
raise
money to build this new arena, they staged a fundraiser at the
Coliseum. A
fairly large crowd turned out. Local bands provided music; the entire
Masters
team was available for photos and to sign autographs. The highlight of
the
evening was when the “USCFL Divas” put on an elaborate
song-and-dance routine
to close out the festivities. Orchestrated by Jem, and set to rock,
hip-hop,
and dance music, this routine was to be a dress rehearsal for an even
more
elaborate one planned for Disneyland Stadium in Los Angeles at the
tour’s
conclusion. These “Divas” (Daphne, She-Ra, Penelope
Pitstop, Pebbles
Flintstone, Kimber Benton and Ariel) were dressed in black leather
minidresses,
sheer fishnet stockings, and spiked heeled slippers. Their performance
was a
real showstopper, and brought the evening to a climatic conclusion.
The
next morning, the USCFL
excursion departed Richmond with two new passengers on board, Skeletor
and
Hordak. Daphne told both Penney and Tiffany that she wanted those two
watched,
not because she was expecting any trouble out of them, but since they
were the
first two villains on board, she felt it best to have them watched,
just in
case.
They were now on CSX rails,
and the railroad had assigned an AC4400CW locomotive to the train.
These rails
used to belong to the Richmond, Fredericksburg, and Potomac, a line
that linked
the once
mighty Pennsylvania Railroad to the
north of Washington with the
Atlantic Coast Line and Seaboard Railroads south out of Richmond.
Famous trains
that once plied these rails included the Havana Special, the Silver
Comet, the
Champion, and most famous of all, the Orange Blossom Special.
In nothing flat, the train
reached our nation’s capital. There, the contingent toured the
sights including
the Washington Monument, the Lincoln Memorial, and the Jefferson
Memorial. They
had a picnic lunch on The Mall. Then they toured the U.S. Capitol.
There was
one disappointment about their time in Washington though; there
wasn’t time for
the group to visit the Smithsonian Institution.
Back at Washington Union
Station, Blondie Bumstead of the Comic Strip All-Stars boarded. The
train then
departed Washington, and took off like a rocket up the Northeast
Corridor, due
in no small part to the 6,000 hp AEM-7 pure electric locomotive of
Swedish
design Amtrak assigned to handle the train. As she usually does, Daphne
wasted
no time welcoming aboard their newest arrival.
“Congratulations on making
it all the way to the Gold for the Gold game, Mrs. Bumstead,”
Daphne greeted.
“Why thank you, Ms. Blake,”
Blondie said in reply. “And please, call me
‘Blondie.’”
“And you can call me
Daphne,” Daphne said.
“Well, Daphne, we certainly
can’t complain about our season,” Blondie said. “We
beat some teams we weren’t
supposed to beat. But I’ve got to hand it to that Optimus Prime.
He just
wouldn’t roll over and die for us, even when we had the lead. He
just kept
coming back and coming back, and in the end, he just simply beat us,
plain and
simple.”
“I know, I was there, I saw
it,” Daphne replied. “It was a
hard
fought game, but in the end he found a way to beat you. By the way, I
really
like your outfit.”
“Why thank you, my dear,”
Blondie said. Daphne was impressed with Blondie’s clothes. She
wore an all
scarlet-red outfit: a top covered with a long-sleeved blazer, a knee
length
skirt, and matching pumps. Blondie then continued: “I like your
outfit, too. I
like how your white blouse goes with your purple vest and skirt. And
speaking
of skirts, I think yours is a little too short.”
What Blondie just said took
Daphne aback. She noticed Theresa Paula Quick passing by in the
corridor
outside Blondie’s roomette wearing the exact same uniform,
miniskirt and all.
What would Blondie expect us to wear, 1950’s style poodle skirts?
Or, what
would she say if we had bare midriff tank tops and cargo pants as our
uniforms?
“The skirt is part of my
uniform, Blondie,” Daphne said. “I was told to wear
this.”
“In that case, I suppose it
can’t be helped, my dear,” Blondie replied. “But
I’ll have you know that I’d never
let my daughter Cookie wear a skirt that short in public.”
Daphne excused herself.
“Well, it’s been nice talking to you,” she said.
“Likewise, my dear,” Blondie
replied.
Daphne wasn’t angry with
Blondie, and considered her a friend, but was still a little surprised
about
her comments about the miniskirt. She could have been a little more
tactful,
Daphne thought as she made her way down the corridor.
It wasn’t long before the
train reached its next stop, the City of Brotherly Love, Philadelphia.
Once
there, the group toured Independence Hall where the Declaration of
Independence
was signed, viewed the Liberty Bell, and toured the Betsy Ross home
where the
first American flag was said to have created.
Afterwards, the group
returned to the 30th Street Station where three Warner Bros. All-Stars
were
waiting for them: Bugs Bunny, his “girlfriend” Lola, and
Raven of the Teen
Titans.
“If they keep moving you
east, next thing you know, you’ll be playing out of Spain!”
Daphne teased the
Warner Bros. icon.
“Tell me about it, doc,”
Bugs replied. The Warner Bros. All-Stars, at one time named simply
“Bugs
Bunny”, had played its home games in Honolulu for many years,
then moved to
Pittsburgh for one season (2008), and now called the city on the
opposite end
of Pennsylvania (Philadelphia) home.
“One thing about riding a
train is, I don’t need to worry about which turn to make at
Albuquerque!” Bugs
said.
“You don’t need to worry
about Albuquerque, Bugs,” Daphne answered. “We won’t
be going there. The
closest we will come to it will be Amarillo.”
“Good,” Bugs responded.
“I
always get turned around there at Albuquerque!”
Daphne then tried to visit
with Raven, but the young superhero wasn’t very sociable, she
just sat there,
staring forward, hood over her head, scowling. But what the Teen Titan
lacked
in social skills, she made up for in football defense, as Daphne often
found
out first hand. You had to be careful throwing passes anytime she was
in the
game, lest she’d intercept you every time.
The Big Apple lay ahead of
them, and there, a solemn reminder and remembrance of the world we live
in
today.
The next morning, the USCFL
contingent gathered at the site of the World Trade Center in Lower
Manhattan.
The ninth anniversary of the horrific attacks on the skyscrapers that
once
stood here was the next day, but because of the schedule, they chose
this day
to remember the occasion.
Following the remembrance,
the group toured Times Square and later on, took in a baseball game.
The
Yankees were out of town, so they took in a Mets game at Citi Field in
Queens.
And like at the Braves game in Atlanta, the USCFL stars were introduced
to the
crowd during the seventh inning stretch.
Joining the USCFL contingent
out of New York’s Penn Station were Modern Cartoon All-Stars
Sonic the
Hedgehog, Daria Morgendorffer, Beavis and Butthead. While still on
Amtrak’s
Northeast Corridor, the history of the line had changed, they were now
on the
former New York, New Haven, and Hartford Railroad, commonly known as
the “New
Haven.”
The next morning found
everyone at Boston’s South Station, the northern terminus of the
Northeast
Corridor. Today’s activities included a tour of the Old North
Church were Paul
Revere began his famous ride in1775, warning, “The British are
coming, the
British are coming!” Next they got to see the Bull and Finch bar
in the city,
the setting for the popular sitcom “Cheers.” Then they
traveled to Harvard
Square in nearby Cambridge, where they got to tour the studios of
“Car Talk”
and the Good News Garage where the show’s hosts Tom and Ray
Magliozzi are auto
mechanics in real life. Tom and Ray (who call themselves the Tappet
Brothers)
weren’t around, but still it was a thrill to see the place.
Finally, the contingent
returned to South Station for the departure from Boston. The itinerary
called
for the train to head westbound over the CSX to Selkirk, New York, near
Albany,
then south along the
west bank of the Hudson River to
Hoboken, New Jersey. The
line out of Boston was the New York Central’s former Boston &
Albany, and
once hosted The New England States, a luxurious Chicago-Boston
streamliner. The
line along the Hudson River was also ex-New York Central, was and still
is a
major freight route into northeastern New Jersey. Power for this
segment was a
CSX SD70MAC, a freight locomotive.
Three of the Simpsons,
Marge, son Bart, and daughter Lisa boarded at South Station. Once the
train
left South Station, Daphne went to visit with Lisa. Lisa Simpson was
the
current president of the USCFL Players’ Association, and the
first one who was
not a starting quarterback.
“You told me this was going
to be a ‘piece of cake’ job!” Lisa said to Daphne.
“I thought it was too,” Daphne
told the Simpson girl. “I never imagined all that would come
up.” Indeed. Lisa
had some “on-the-job-training”, or more precisely, a
“baptism of fire.” Within
a period of two weeks, two players and a head coach had been
reprimanded for inappropriate
remarks made
to the press. Next came the “jeering” incident in San
Francisco, a deplorable
display of unacceptable crowd behavior. Then came the wildcat strike by
maintenance workers and groundskeepers at Jim Henson Stadium on the eve
of Go
for the Gold XLVII. Lisa ordered the players not to cross the picket
lines,
lest they be called “scabs”, and subject to labor violence,
and thus presided
over the first work stoppage in League history. Lisa had spent much of
her time
in late July and early August dealing with these three crises.
“I
never worked so hard in my life!” Lisa commented.
“At
least you will be remembered for having those crises happening on your
watch,
Lisa,” Daphne replied. “And I think you handled them
well.”
“Thank
you, Daph,” Lisa said before both retired for the night.
The
train continued on through the night, crossing the Berkshire Mountains
in
western Massachusetts. The next day would find our travelers in
Hoboken, where
two stars of Total Drama Island awaited them.
The tour arrived in Hoboken
at mid morning. Waiting on the platform was Heather and Lindsay from
the Total
Drama series. There was a surprise visitor there as well, Chris
MacLean, their
head coach and
host of the Total Drama Series. Chris was
there because he
wanted to make sure Lindsay got on the right train. In fact, she had
gotten on
the wrong train, a NJ Transit commuter run bound for Morristown. She
discovered
she was on the wrong train when that train’s conductor found she
did not have a
ticket. Fortunately, she had enough money on her to buy a ticket back
to
Hoboken. Heather meanwhile alarmed that her companion was missing,
called Chris
and told him to be at the station, and to go look for Lindsay if
necessary.
Fortunately, Lindsay arrived at the station just before the USCFL train
was
due. That was why Chris was there, and he was none too happy about
that. He’d
rather be spending his time flirting with flight attendants. (If he saw
what
the USCFL hostesses wore, he’d want to flirt with them, too!)
Heather had some emotional
baggage on her as well. She had just won Total Drama World Tour, and
the
$1,000,000 Canadian that came with it, but lost that money when it
accidentally
got tossed into an active volcano. Daphne told Heather not to worry
about the
lost prize money. She was getting a paycheck from the USCFL (for 2011
she would
receive a base salary of $24,000 plus a bonus of $2,000 for two
post-season
appearances, not to mention free health insurance and free housing
during the
season), so it wasn’t like she was going to go penniless.
The train would now be on
Norfolk Southern rails. The itinerary called for it to head to
Harrisburg,
Pennsylvania via Allentown and Reading (via the former Leigh Valley and
Reading
Railroads), then west on the former Pennsylvania Railroad line to
Altoona and
Pittsburgh via the famous Horseshoe Curve. NS assigned a C40-9W, one of
a fleet
of this model that numbered over a thousand strong, rather than the
rebuilt
F-units that hauled the train from Jacksonville to Richmond.
Right after departing
Hoboken, Mickey Mouse came on the public address system, announcing a
change in
plans. Rather than going west at Harrisburg, the train would continue
south on
NS to Hagerstown, Maryland over another ex- Pennsylvania line. It would
continue to head south over the former Norfolk and Western’s
Shenandoah line
until it reached a place called Waynesboro, Virginia. There, it would
take to
the rails of the Virginian & Ohio Railroad to Afton, Virginia. They
would
spend the night in Afton, and then continue on to Dayton, Ohio the next
day.
Because the weather was forecast to be unseasonably hot for September,
they
would have a chance to picnic and to go swimming in a mountain lake
somewhere
west of Afton.
The reason for the change of
plans quickly became apparent. Mickey had discovered that Kim Possible
was in
Afton doing some kind of photo shoot. Since Afton wasn’t too far
out of the
way, Mickey decided to have the train diverted. Kim told Mickey not to
go out
his way for “little old her,” but Mickey insisted, saying
that all after she
had been though the past few weeks, her becoming a part of the USCFL
tour would
do her a world of good. Kim’s brothers, Jimmy and Timmy, and her
best friend
Monique who were along with Kim would also be welcomed aboard. Kim
finally
agreed, and so the train would be making a last minute detour into
Virginia.
At Waynesboro, a pair of
Virginian & Ohio E8A’s was waiting to power the train for the
short lap
over the V&O’s Smith Subdivision into Afton. The E8’s,
built in 1952, were
like the F-units, only longer, had six axles instead of four like the
F’s had,
and were built specifically for passenger service. The E8’s had
been rebuilt a
number of times over the years, and were used by the V&O for
executive and
special trains.
It was right around dark
when the excursion reached Afton’s Walnut Street Station. The
passengers
disembarked and went to the Varsity Towers, an apartment building that
had some
empty rooms to accommodate them, to spend the night. Little did anyone
know at
the time what fate awaited them down the tracks of the Virginian &
Ohio,
and that the abilities of “the girl that can do anything”
who would join them
the next day would be put to the ultimate test.
Afton, Virginia was small
industrial city in the northwest part of the state, uh; excuse me,
Commonwealth, not far from the West Virginia border, set in the
foothills of
the Shenandoah Mountains. It was built on coal mining, industries that
supported these mines like foundries and heavy equipment manufacturers,
and the
railroad that hauled the coal from the nearby mines to tidewater ports
for
export. Afton was the headquarters city for the Virginia & Ohio
Railroad,
over whose tracks the USCFL tour train was operating, and for the
V&O’s
parent company, the Appalachian Lines System. It was also home to
Northwest
Virginia University, a mid-sized public institution whose main mission
was to
train undergraduate and graduate students for careers in the mining and
natural
resources industries. Its programs in geology, earth sciences, and
natural
resources were among the best in the nation. It also conducted research
into
finding new uses for coal, coal gasification, and carbon sequestration.
The
school also trained public school teachers, nurses, and had a law
school along
with a veterinary medicine school. NWVU was also the number one
employer in
Afton.
NWVU had a beautiful campus,
and one of the signature structures on this campus was the 35,580-seat
Allen
McClelland Stadium, used for outdoor varsity sports like football and
track and
field. The NWVU Miners played football in NCAA Division 1-AA, playing
similarly
sized schools in the Appalachian Conference, but once or twice a
season, it
scheduled a big name power like Virginia Tech, Miami University of
Ohio, or
Clemson. Adjacent to McClelland Stadium was Koester Arena, a
16,000-seat
multi-purpose building where the school played its home basketball
games and
staged other events like rock concerts. Indeed, the alternative-rock
band Smash
Mouth was going to perform in concert at this arena the following night.
Another major industry in
Afton was the Hip Duds plant, which was taken over by Club Banana a few
years
prior. Club Banana, which specializes in teen fashions, was one of only
a
handful of companies that still made most of its garments in the United
States.
It sold these garments through a nationwide chain of mall-based
boutiques. Two
of Disney’s football divas worked part time for Club Banana
during the
off-season; Kimberly Ann Possible, wide receiver for Disney-East worked
in a
store near the campus where she was attending college, and her best
friend
Monique, running back for Disney-West, was the manager for the boutique
in her
hometown of Middleton.
Kim, when named Miss USCFL
2010 at Go for the Gold XLVII, wore a bikini made at the Afton plant
for the
ceremony. Club Banana, seizing on the marketing opportunity that
presented
itself, decided to make that suit the highlight of their 2011 swimwear
line. In
association with the League, Club Banana arranged for a photo shoot
with Kim
posing in that suit and others like it for its catalog. A pinup
swimsuit
calendar featuring her would also be part of the promotion.
That was why Kim Possible
was here in Afton. Accompanying her was Monique, who as a Club Banana
manager,
was also invited to the photo shoot. Also tagging along was Kim’s
younger
brothers, Jimmy and Timmy, who she almost always referred to as
“tweebs”. Kim
was less than thrilled having those two along on the trip. She was also
less
than delighted with the city of Afton as well. Unlike her hometown of
Middleton, which was a clean, happening, vibrant place, where the
economy was
based on higher education, high technology research, and health care,
this town
was for the most part, a gritty, noisy, grimy place. The town it seemed
like
was full of belching smokestacks. Several of the factory buildings were
either
run-down or abandoned. Railroad tracks ran everywhere, and switch
engines were
shuffling freight cars to and fro continuously. She turned on a radio,
but
couldn’t find a Top-40 station that played the pop-rock, dance,
and alternative
music she liked; every station it seemed like had either a country
music or
religious format. The people, while friendly, looked, walked and talked
like
hicks and hillbillies. “I know I shouldn’t think this way
about the people and
their city since this is their home, but I can’t understand how
people can
stand to live in a gritty place like this,” Kim thought to
herself. She
couldn’t wait to leave this town, and with that thought in mind,
her and her
party made their way to the Walnut Street Station where the USCFL tour
train
would be waiting for them.
The USCFL contingent, having
spent the previous night in Afton, gathered at Walnut Street Station
awaiting
departure from the city. They had spent the night at the Varsity
Towers, a
high-rise apartment building near the NWVU campus. The building, while
usually
used mainly for student housing, the top two floors were unoccupied,
and thus
was offered to the USCFL contingent. It was now that Kim Possible and
her party
arrived at the depot, boarded the train, and took their seats in the
dome-chair
car.
Since Kim and her companions
were only going as far as Dayton, they wouldn’t need sleeping
accommodations,
and thus, would be riding in “coach”. Their car, the
“Lou Scheimer”, USCX 1963,
named after Filmation’s co-founder featured thirty-six coach
seats on the main
level and twenty-four seats upstairs in the dome. Once in Dayton, Kim
and her
party would take a bus to Indianapolis, then catch a flight out of Indy
to
their home in Colorado.
The itinerary for today’s
trip was for the group to travel to a place called Elm Grove, about 20
miles
outside Afton. There the contingent would switch trains, boarding a
vintage one
powered by a steam locomotive for a short trip to a picnic and swimming
area nearby.
Even though it was September, the weather was unseasonably warm, hot
actually,
and swimming would be allowed at the lake. Daphne reminded everyone to
bring
along their bathing suits. Since the tour’s ultimate destination
was Southern
California, nearly everyone had packed their bathing suits in their
luggage
anyway. Once the day of “fun in the sun” was over, they
would return to Elm
Grove and reboard this train to continue on their way.
Shortly after the train left
Afton behind, Kim was relaxing in her seat when her friend Daphne came
back to
greet her.
“Hi, Daph, nice to see you
again,” Kim greeted her friend.
“Same here, Kim, how’ve you
been doing?” Daphne replied.
“Not so good,” Kim said. To
which Daphne responded, “Oh? How so?”
“How can Bart Simpson say
after that Thanksgiving game we had with them two years ago that we
stuck it up
their butts and broke it off and get away with saying that, then I say
that I
felt like I wanted to stick a football up somebody’s butt and I
get busted for
it?” Kim asked.
“It was precisely because of
Bart’s remark that the League began cracking down on what players
and coaches
say to the press,” Daphne said. “At that time, that rule
wasn’t very well
known. Now, everyone knows it.”
“Well, I didn’t know
it,” Kim said. “And I am glad that that Reggie Mantle
weasel got busted for
calling me a cry-baby. And I am forever grateful to Tink for sticking
up for me
after that incident, but I didn’t want to see her get busted too,
for wanting
to have one of our linebackers go and shove a football up
Reggie’s butt.” Kim
paused for a moment, then continued: “Well, Tink doesn’t
have to have one of
the linebackers do that for me. If I ever see that Mantle again,
I’m liable to
take a football and shove it up his butt myself.”
“Kim, you can’t be
serious!”
Daphne exclaimed, aghast by what her friend just said.
“You’re right, I’m
not,” Kim
replied. But at the time, I sure felt like doing that. After the
reprimand, the
jeering, and not achieving the milestone, I got so down on myself that
Tink
sent me home for three days. That Monday I had the house all to myself,
so I
pulled down all the shades and moped around the place, not doing much,
wearing
nothing but my bra and panties. Of course that weekend, I came back and
had a
great game against the Comic Strip All-Stars, but Blondie had an even
better
game, and they beat us in the divisional playoffs. I congratulate
Blondie on
that victory; she deserved to win that game, and we didn’t.”
“Kimberly, let me give you
advice here,” Daphne said. “You’re going to have good
games, you’re going to
have some not so good games. You’re going to make some goals you
set for
yourself; you’re going to fail to make others. But no matter what
happens, you
got to believe in yourself. At the end of the day, when you can look at
yourself in the mirror and say, ‘I did my very best,’
that’s all that really
matters. And if you believe in yourself, great things will come to you.
And I
want you to know that I consider you to be one of the best wide
receivers in this
whole League. Judy Jetson, one of my cornerbacks, tells me you’re
one of the
hardest players she ever has to guard.”
“She does?” Kim exclaimed.
“Really! And I always thought it was hard getting open against
her. She’s one
of the toughest corners I ever have to face. But I really do enjoy
competing
against her. And I’ll remember what you said about believing in
myself. And
there are already some great things in store for me. They’re
making me a
captain next year. Minnie has always been our offensive captain, but at
her
suggestion, they’re giving me the job. That will be my
offensive line
you’ll see out there next season.”
“That’s the spirit,”
Daphne
replied.
“Indeed,” Kim told her
friend. “And you know that Club Banana and the League is putting
out a bikini
pinup calendar featuring me. That’s what I was doing back there
in Afton,
posing for that calendar and Club Banana’s 2011 swimwear catalog.
Every
red-blooded American boy is going to have, uh, fantasies about me when
they see
that calendar.”
“No doubt about it!” Daphne
laughed.
Right then Kim’s best
friend, Monique happened by. She stopped and greeted Daphne. “Hi,
Daphne,”
Monique said.
“Hi Monique,” Daphne
responded. “How are you?”
“I’m doing well,”
Monique
replied. She paused for a beat, and then said: “Ah, girl, my name
is no longer
Monique.”
“Well, what is it then?”
Daphne asked. Did Monique have her name legally changed?
Without hesitation, Monique
answered proudly, “My name is Jesus Christ!”
“What?” Daphne cried. Why
would Monique assume the name of the Christian deity and savior?
“It’s true, girl,”
Monique
said. In practice, Coach Barkin would yell, ‘Jesus Christ!’
every time I
screwed up. He hardly ever calls me by my name anymore, he just yells
at me
‘Jesus Christ!’”
“Whew!” Daphne sighed,
relieved that Monique wasn’t really the Second Coming of Christ.
“I wonder what he calls
Bonnie?” Kim wondered. Bonnie Rockwaller, a cornerback for
Disney-West, was
Kim’s former high school rival.
“Ah, he has a special name
for her, girl,” Monique replied. “He calls her
‘Goddammit!’ because whenever
she makes a mistake at practice, he’ll holler
‘Goddammit!’ at her. Well, I just
wanted say hi to you, Daphne. Nice seeing you again.”
“See you later, Jesus
Christ,” Daphne joked.
“Later, my child,” Monique
said in response. Daphne then turned to Kim and asked, “How could
a man like
that ever be allowed to coach?”
“It’s my fault,” Kim
said
sadly. “When we were setting up the Disney-West team, I sat on
the personnel
selection committee, along with Mickey, Minnie, Donald, and Buzz. We
all had
concerns about his attitude, but ultimately, they recommended him for
the head
coaching job and I went along with them. If I knew then what I know
now, maybe
I would have made a different decision. Of course you know, he got his
when he
let go of Piglet.”
“It’s not your fault,”
Daphne said. “You didn’t know at the time.” Right
then the conductor came up to
Daphne and whispered something to her. “You will excuse me
now,” Daphne said.
“It’s time for me to make an announcement.”
“Nice talking to you again,
Daph,” Kim said.
“Anytime, Kim,” Daphne
replied. Daphne then found a public address microphone in the car and
made this
announcement: “Ladies, and gentlemen, and characters of all
species, may I have
your attention, please? We are approaching Elm Grove, Virginia. We are
going to
switch trains here. Don’t forget your box lunches and your
bathing suits, and
please watch your step when leaving this train. That is all.” And
with that,
the contingent was about to take a step into railroading past, and
embark on a
journey to a day of “fun in the sun”.
There was little to mark the
“community” of Elm Grove, Virginia. All it consisted of was
a woodchip loading
facility and an old V&O depot used by the railroad’s
maintenance of way
department for storage.
However, Elm Grove
was the junction of the Kelly’s
Creek and Bradley Railroad, a shortline used to service the Patrick
Coal
Company’s mine via a switchback. The shortline’s main
purpose was to take the
coal from this mine and deliver it to the V&O’s mainline for
interchange.
The KC&B took on another role, that of a tourist hauler when local
rail
enthusiasts saw the potential of using the line to operate a vintage
train
powered by a steam locomotive. And so a volunteer group was formed. An
ex-Seaboard 2-10-2 steam locomotive was obtained, funds were secured to
restore
this locomotive to operating condition, vintage passenger coaches were
acquired, and within a year or so, the group began running excursion
trains
over this shortline. However, this line’s steam excursion trains
had a unique
twist.
At Fullerton, a couple of
miles from Elm Grove, the line dead-ended in a wooded area adjacent to
Kelly’s
Creek. A short distance downstream from this location, the Dayton
Sure-Grip
Company, a facility that made glue and other adhesives for the
woodworking and
carpentry industries, built a small dam across this creek to provide
water for
its manufacturing processes. This created an artificial lake, and the
county’s
forest preserve district, working in conjunction with the KC&B
volunteer
steam group, built a picnic area and swimming beach at the
KC&B’s
end-of-track. Thus, the popular “Picnic and Swim Train” was
born.
The USCFL contingent quickly
switched trains, and within minutes, the group was on their way to the
waterside recreational area. The USCFL tour train, meanwhile, got off
the
V&O main and retreated to a passing siding to allow mainline
traffic
through unimpeded. The KC&B, being the small organization that it
was,
didn’t have a lot of money to spend on track maintenance, so its
train crept
down its weed-choked line at only about 20 mph or so.
The Fullerton Recreational
area wasn’t a very big place, but it was scenic. Measuring about
500 yards long
by about 200 yards wide, it offered picnic tables, each with an
umbrella, a
gazebo with table and chairs inside so people could eat out of the sun,
several
swing sets, and a bathhouse with changing rooms and restroom
facilities. Once
the group arrived at this place, Daphne reminded everyone that
it’s not wise to
go swimming immediately after eating, and urged everyone to wait about
an hour
or so before hitting the water.
After lunch, (and after
waiting an hour as Daphne had suggested) nearly everyone changed into
their
bathing suits. Some had their suits on under their street clothes;
others went
into the bathhouse to change. After changing, some of the more
attractive USCFL
women gathered in front of the bathhouse to marvel at their look.
Each woman wore a bikini
that was nearly identical in cut and coverage. Daphne’s suit was
a blue and
white airbrushed design (the same one she wore in “Camp
Scare”), Kim Possible
wore a suit that had a white and bubblegum pink design with a small
Club Banana
logo on the back (the same one she wore for the Miss USCFL ceremony and
her
recent photo shoot), She-Ra’s bikini was solid white, as was
Lindsay’s (from
the Total Drama series). Heather (also from the Total Drama series)
wore a
khaki-green suit. Pebbles Flintstone’s suit was adorned with a
saber tooth
tiger design.
“I guess they could call us
the ‘bikini sisters!’” Daphne mused, and everyone
laughed.
Right then, Ariel emerged
from the bathhouse. She wore her usual clamshell top, but had on a
traditional
bikini bottom that matched the color of her top as closely as possible.
“The
Little Mermaid” hadn’t been in the water for a while, but
was anxious to do so,
and was eager to become a mermaid again. However, Daphne could see a
problem
with that theory, and tried to point it out to Ariel.
“Ariel, you’re a creature of
the sea, aren’t you?” Daphne asked.
“That’s right, I am,”
Ariel
replied.
“And you know sea water is
salty, don’t you?”
“That’s right, it is.”
“The lake you’re about to
swim in is fresh water,” Daphne pointed out. “That
means there’s no salt
in it. If you swam in that water, I don’t know if you would turn
into a
mermaid.”
“I wouldn’t know
either,”
Ariel said. “I guess we’ll all find out together!”
and everyone laughed.
Daphne was right; Ariel did
not become a mermaid swimming in the lake. Still, she thoroughly
enjoyed
being in the water again.
A short while later, Bart
Simpson was lecturing Kim’s younger brothers, Jimmy and Timmy on
brother-sister
relationships. Mainly, Bart wondered why Kim always kept calling her
younger
siblings “tweebs”.
“Because we keep taking her
electronic things like her stereo, TV set, computer, and things like
that to
make homemade rockets,” Jimmy told Bart.
“We also sneak into her room
and read her diary,” Timmy piped in. “Whenever we do these
things, Sis would
get extremely angry, and she’d chase us throughout the house,
calling us tweebs
in the process.”
“Well, aren’t you sick and
tired of being called that?” Bart asked. Then he told of some of
the pranks he
had pulled on his sister, Lisa. He would sometimes put a rubber snake
in his
sister’s lunch bag. He’d sometimes place a “whoopee
cushion” on her seat at
school, which would emit a loud “Bronx cheer” when sat
upon. Once at breakfast,
Lisa had asked Bart to pass the sugar for her oatmeal, but Bart had
filled the
sugar bowl with salt, not sugar. And one time, Bart had put a mixture
of
dishwashing soap and water into his sister’s saxophone, so
it’d emit soap
bubbles when she played it. Bart then finished his tale by asking the
tweebs:
“How’d you like for me to get back at your sister for
you?”
“How?” the tweebs asked in
unison.
“Watch,” Bart said. He had a
plastic gallon pail with him. Kim was lying on her stomach atop a beach
blanket
near the edge of the water sunbathing. Bart went to the lake’s
edge and filled
his pail with lake water. He then snuck up to where the redheaded girl
was
lying and threw the contents of the pail on her.
“Ack!” Kim shrieked, as she
was drenched with the chilly water. She thought the tweebs were
responsible,
but then knew it was Bart when she heard his triumphant “Aye,
carumba, man!”
cry, along with his distinctive laugh. She immediately sprang up and
began
chasing him, yelling, “Bart Simpson, you little tweeb! If I catch
you, you are
sooo dead!” All the while, the tweebs were marveling at this
sight.
“Inka-binka-boo?” one said.
Boo-sha!” the other said in
response.
Kim, meanwhile, continued to
chase Bart up and down the beach. He then ran into the men’s side
of the
bathhouse. Kim parked herself outside the bathhouse and screamed:
“That’s
right, run and hide in the bathroom, will you? Well, know this:
you’ll get
yours someday, Bart Simpson! I swear, someday you will sooo get
yours!” She
then marched to where the tweebs were and asked them angrily,
“Did you tell
Bart Simpson to go throw a bucket of water on me?”
“Uh, uh,” the tweebs
answered in unison, shaking their heads.
“Yeah, right,” Kim said in
disgust. She then turned on her heel and stomped off muttering,
“Adolescent
boys! They’re all tweebs! Every last stinking one of them!”
At about a quarter to three,
Daphne grabbed a bullhorn and called, “All right boys and girls,
time to pack
it up and get ready to go. We leave in fifteen minutes.” The
group then got out
of the water and paraded to the bathhouse to change, and within fifteen
minutes, everyone (save one) was back on the steam train.
The KC&B conductor was
talking to Daphne, asking her if they had everyone. Daphne thought
everyone was
aboard when Heather came up to Daphne and said, “Daph, I
can’t seem to find
Lindsay anywhere.”
”Have you looked throughout
the train?” Daphne asked. Heather nodded affirmatively.
“Well, let’s look
again,”
Daphne suggested, and then told the conductor to hold off departure for
a few
minutes. The searched the entire four car train; Lindsay was nowhere to
be
found. Then Daphne asked Heather to help her search the park. The two
left the
train, with Daphne telling the conductor, “If we’re not
back in ten minutes,
leave without us!”
The first place they looked
was the bathhouse. Maybe Lindsay got sick to her stomach and went in
there,
they thought. She wasn’t there. They then combed the little park
from one end
to the other and still couldn’t find her. A frightening thought
was beginning
to enter Daphne’s mind; maybe Lindsay went out into the water,
got in trouble
out there, and maybe (shudder!) she drowned! Daphne couldn’t help
but picture
grim-faced search and rescue squad members dragging the lake searching
for
Lindsay’s body.
They were about to give it
up when Heather cried, “I see her! There she is!” Indeed
she was. She was about
50 yards away, at the edge of the woods. A young blonde-haired teen boy
was
with her, and both were engaged in some extreme making out. He was
tall,
muscular, attractive, and very young; he didn’t look a day over
16. And he had
his hands all over her. From the looks of things, it appeared that both
would
retreat into the bushes and go all the way at any moment. Daphne turned
to
Heather and said, “I’ll take care of this. You go get back
on the train, and
thanks for your help.”
“Anytime, Daph,” Heather
replied, as she left to reboard the train.
Daphne snuck up on the
couple. They were so engrossed with their making out that they
didn’t realize
Daphne was there until she cleared her throat. “Ahem!”
Lindsay and her newfound
male friend wheeled around surprised.
“I hate to break up your
little love-making session here, but this girl has a prior
engagement,” Daphne
said. Then speaking to the boy: “Son, I hope this girl gives you
love fantasies
that’ll last you for a long, long time. Now run along.”
“Yes, ma’am,” the boy
replied, then left muttering, “Kind of young for her to be that
chick’s mother.
Maybe her sister?”
Daphne waited until the boy
was out of earshot, then turned to Lindsay and said sternly:
“Lindsay, what the
hell do you think you were doing? Didn’t you hear us say it was
time to get
ready to go?”
“But…” Lindsay
sputtered.
“No buts, Lindsay,” Daphne
interrupted. “Speaking of ‘butts’,
you’ve got one minute to get yours on that train, or you’re
going to be left
here!”
“But I can’t get on that
train dressed like this!” Lindsay protested. She was still in her
bikini.
“Where’s your beach
bag?”
Daphne demanded. Then she saw it nearby. “Oh, never mind, I see
it.” She
brought it over, reached inside, and pulled out a tank top and a pair
of
shorts.
“Here, you can put these on
over your suit, “ Daphne said “Now let’s go.”
Lindsay then followed Daphne back
to the train, pulling on her top and shorts as she went. At one point
she
muttered, “Party pooper!” to which Daphne responded,
“I heard that, Lindsay!”
Back at the train, Daphne
told the conductor that since they now had everyone accounted for, it
was okay
for them to depart. Since the KC&B was a stub-ended line, the
little train
had to back all the way to Elm Grove.
Back inside one of the
coaches, Lindsay found where Heather was seated and sat next to her.
“You know, we were really
like totally worried about you,” Heather said. We couldn’t
find you like
anyplace, you know, and I thought you might have gotten in trouble in
the water
and like totally drowned.”
“Well, obviously I’m like
still here so I didn’t drown,” Lindsay replied. “Now
if you don’t mind, I don’t
want to talk about it anymore, okay?”
“Fine,” Heather responded.
Once back at Elm Grove, everyone switched from the KC&B steam-powered train to the USCFL excursion. Next scheduled stop: Detroit, by way of Dayton and Toledo, but as the narrator used to say on Dynomutt, no one realized the fate that was about to befall them.